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Mary Sue Makeovers

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Is she a sue, if so save me? [Sep. 6th, 2006|01:09 am]
Mary Sue Makeovers

madam_mew_mew
TITLE: Androgynous Venus
Link:http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=madam_mew_mew&keyword=venus&filter=all
AUTHOR'S NAME: Myself
Fandom: Harry/Draco

FULL NAME: Sunny (last name unknown)
HAIR: Very long jet black, pretty
EYES: not important
MARKINGS: a bad temper
POSSESSIONS: An extreamly impressive record collection, not much else


ORIGIN: UK
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Harry's Fag-hag/plotpoint gf
SPECIAL ABILITIES: ability to work full time, and do school as well
OTHER ANNOYING TRAITS: sharp wit, with heart of gold
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An Author in Need [May. 11th, 2006|01:37 pm]
Mary Sue Makeovers

shishio287
Okay, I gave this author a review giving her some constructive crticism and, for once, she took it very well. She's willing to redo the story and would appreciate any help I could give here. Since she responded so maturaly, I've decided to see what we can do to this story and it's characters to make it better. I ask for some assistance in helping this girl out. Care to help me?

Story Or Series Title: this is what i call an adventure (Here spelling, not mine) (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2932733/1/)
Fandom: Final Fantasy IX
Author's Name: minkeypaws (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1041394/)

Full Name (plus titles if any): Cassie (Cass), Julia (Juls), Gemma (Gem), Shanice (No nick name said, but I'm gussing Shan)
Full Species(es): Self insertion!Sues
Hair Color (include adjectives): Cassie: blonde hair with a ginger tinge, Julia: black hair, Gemma: dark brown hair, Shanice: long Blondie brown
Eye Color (include adjectives): Cassie: Blue, Julia: Brown, Gemma: Green, Shanice: brown
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Cassie gats a tail and Julia gets a summoners horn.
Special Possessions (if any): Gemma gets a staff that apperas out of nowhere. no, really, it does appear out of nowhere.

Origin: Earth
Connections To Canon Characters: Gem most likely will fall for Zidane and Cassie might just go for Vivi (Which is very scary since all these girls appear to be teenagers.) Also, Gem has a past connection with Vivi and Cass has a past connection with Zidane
Special Abilities: Gemma has black magic.
Other Traits: The author breaks the rules of proper sentance structure. She also breaks the rules of grammar and spelling.

Any help for this author would be greatly appreciated. I really want to help her out since she seems to, honestly, want to change. So, any advice?
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A Little Help, Please. [Apr. 14th, 2006|09:08 am]
Mary Sue Makeovers

shishio287
I, myself, have written a Gary Stu. Though, he is relatively mild for a Gary Stu, but he's still a Stu.

Story Or Series Title: A New Life: Beginnings (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2384040/1/)
A New Life: Brotherhood (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2468236/1/)
A New Life: Angel (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2541677/1/)
A New Life: Conclusions (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2611482/1/)
Fandom: FF IX
Culprit Author's Name: Shishio287

Full Name (plus titles if any): Michael (Last name is unknown until he changes it to Ornitier)
Full Species(es): Human
Hair Color (include adjectives): Short brown
Eye Color (include adjectives): Brown
Unusual Markings/Colorations: None
Special Possessions (if any): Two swords (One is a regular sword, the other is a reverse blade sword). A pearl ring that enables him to go between Gaia, Earth, and any other world he has previously visited.

Origin: Earth
Connections To Canon Characters: Meets Vivi in Alexandria. Becomes Vivi's friend. Later, he becomes Vivi's teacher, and finally, he becomes Vivi's blood brother.
Special Abilities: He knows the Hiten Mitsurugi Style (I curse my inability to come up with names for my own techniques). He learns Black Magic (Due to his blood bond with Vivi) and later learns white magic (After coming back from the dead).
Other Traits: He can sing. Aside from that, he's still relatively mild as far as Stus go, I think.


Note: I really want to keep my character and story intact, but I really want to try and tone down my character. I think it'd be best if you read the story and decide what should be done.
link7 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Apr. 11th, 2006|07:49 am]
Mary Sue Makeovers

shishio287
Story Or Series Title: Final Fantasy 92 (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2881462/1/)
Fandom: FF IX
Author's Name: EikoandVivi (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1014541/)

Full Name (plus titles if any): Dave Orunitia
Full Species(es): Black Mage
Hair Color (include adjectives): I'm assuming he has no hair
Eye Color (include adjectives): I'm guessing he has yellow eyes that glow.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: He's a guy but it sounds like the author dressed him up like a girl. A Crossdresser!Stu, maybe.
Special Possessions (if any): I couldn't find any

Origin: Kuja's mist machine I guess.
Connections To Canon Characters: Vivi's brother (I fear she got the idea from me)
Special Abilities: He knows all black and whit magic. He can also summon every Eidolon including FF 7 and FF 8 summons.

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Just read the story. It will be difficult as the whole thing is a HUGE wall of text. Thankfully, the fic is still new so it's not too late to stop this author. We need to give this Stu a makeover before it matures. This author needs some serious constructive criticism. Would anyone care to help me out? I've already sent a review, that will be enough to change her mind. She also doesn't accept anonymous reviews, go figure.
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Street Fighter Sue Turbo: Searching for Ryanna [Apr. 1st, 2006|09:22 pm]
Mary Sue Makeovers
blueslipstream
TITLE: Searching for Ryanna (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1410189/)
AUTHOR'S NAME: Moon Goddess 740

FULL NAME: Ryanna Hoshi (I'm sure Ryanna isn't even a Japanese name)
SPECIES: Puella sluttica soror gratuita (Tootsitramp)
HAIR: Long, Silky Brown hair
EYES: Unsaid
MARKINGS: N/A
POSSESSIONS: Mayuka Kusanagi's time machine, M. Bison's kid, Vega's brain and heart, Ryu's courage.


ORIGIN: Japan
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Ryu's Twin Sister (apparently)
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Power to kick canon characters' asses no sweat, an instant KO super art, psycho powers
OTHER ANNOYING TRAITS: Top Terrorist of Shadowloo, kills the president, and 50 others.

Sue Rating: 47 (My mildest Sue to date. But really annoying nevertheless.)

Makeover Advice:

Don't upstage canon characters.

For example, Shadow/Ryanna just walks all over Sakura and Vega (who she nearly kills). This, and the Top Terrorist thing means that her name really is Shadow Mary Sue Ryanna Hoshi. To upstage canon characters is to make your fic seem like an exercise in literary self-pleasurement. And who wants to see that?

Balance your character's abilities. In a game-based fic, this is more of a factor.

For example, that instant KO art can just be something really powerful instead, like Ryu's Shin-Shoryuken or something else that would take a LONG time but hit hard. Think "If this character was in the game, would her abilities be balanced?"

Try to make your character less of a ho.
It just irritates people and detracts from the actual story.
link2 comments|post comment

(no subject) [Mar. 31st, 2006|10:14 am]
Mary Sue Makeovers

darth_mongoose
[Current Location |Nagoya, Japan]
[mood |chipperchipper]
[music |'Happy People'- Skoop on Somebody]

Since I posted this in the 'Bastion', I figure I should put up some help on how to fix this fic. It's the writer's first fic, so some advice in time would really help this one.

This fic is a classic example of a 'wish fulfilment' fic. The main character is a somewhat idealised version of the authouress. Please, if you're going to write a fic where you, a normal girl/boy is sucked into a game/book/anime/whatever, just BE YOURSELF! It would be a lot more interesting to see how a regular person with no powers, and a normal, flawed personality would cope in another world.

Story Or Series Title: 'My Wish' http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2857053/1/
Fandom: Final Fantasy VIII
Culprit Author's Name: LinaLeonHeart

Full Name (plus titles if any): Lina Minoko
*Advice: I'm pretty sure this isn't the writer's real name, just a name she wishes she had. For a fic that is essentially 'I get sucked into the game', you should use your REAL name, even if you hate your name, or at least give yourself a normal sounding name that fits your ethnic background. Lina is the name of an anime heroine, and Minoko is a Japanese first name, not a surname.

Full Species(es): Self insert/ Pure Black Mage! (except she's in a game that doesn't have them, and doesn't have glowing eyes and a big hat, how disappointing.)
*Advice: Everybody wishes they were special, but if you really HAVE to be special, can you try to be special in a way that fits in with the game world? I mean, if you wanted to cast magic without drawing in FF8, you could be a Sorceress, have a limit break like Selphie's, or maybe be somebody who uses lots of magic stones or something. Or even better, don't be special at all. A non-special person who gets by on their wits and limited means would be far more impressive and likable.

Hair Color (include adjectives): Long blonde, in a pigtail (A pigtail? You can have a singular one now?)
Eye Color (include adjectives): Purple (The most generic Sue eye colour)
*Advice: Be honest, do you REALLY have PURPLE eyes? Or do you just WISH you had purple eyes? A character who's eyes were blue, but who wished they were purple, or somebody who wore purple contact lenses because they thought their eyes were boring would be more interesting.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Purple eyes, and a SCAR! Just like Squall's!
*Advice: Making a character have special physical traits that mirror a canon character is rarely a good idea, especially if the have no apparent reason. If she got in a fight and ended up with one, ironically hating the same scar that they thought looked so cool on their favourite character, that would be much more interesting. Squall's scar symbolises how he and Seifer have marked each other out, and how they mirror each other. Without the reason behind it, the scar is pointless.
Special Possessions (if any): A Gunblade! (yes, you know, those weapons that are so hard to use that the famous mercenary school, Balamb Garden only has one graduated SeeD who uses one...and it's Squall) Black Mage powers, so she can cast magic without needing to draw. (uuughhhh) A twin sister who is less SPESHUL than she is, but still a Sue, called Monica, who stands in line for hotdogs...carrying daggers! EEK!
*Advice: Why would Squall randomly give somebody a gunblade? Gunblades are a really hard weapon to master. Again you're just copying traits from a canon character without any reason. Also, if Monica is to be an important character, she ought to be given just as much attention as Lina.

Annoying Origin: She lives in Washington D.C. Suddenly Squall appears in her room and she's whisked away to Balamb Garden, where they all think she's a transfer student from Galbadia (Who, I should add, DON'T DO transfers to Balamb in most cases, because, unlike Trabia, they are large enough to have their own field exams.)
*Advice: Do a little more research into the game, or people like me, who have been playing it for five years and know it back-to-front, will pounce on you (huge amounts of storyline info can be found in the game menu and the garden info panels in the Balamb Garden classroom). Maybe think of a more creative way to get your character into the game than her just appearing there.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Squall seems to help her out.
*Advice: I know it's every fangirl's dream to have Squall be kind and helpful, but please think this through. At the start of the game, Squall was NOT particularly outgoing, or helpful. He only agrees to help Selphie (if you decide to have him help) because she nags him to, and even then, only says the minimum required, and is very formal with her).
Annoying Special Abilities: Can cast magic that ignores the rules of the game.
Other Annoying Traits:
Horrifyingly bad spelling and grammar, even when quoting directly from the game. Makes all the characters act boring and rather dumb, even Quistis Trepe, the prodigiously smart and talented eighteen year old instructor, isn't in the slightest bit suspicious at a Black Mage who 'can't remember' how to cast magic. Poor Selphie only appears as 'a yellow blur' (please die, not only for insulting my favourite character, but for forgetting that she wasn't in class that morning, she was late, and that she wasn't seen wearing the yellow dress until you got a few hours into the game.)
*Advice: Spell checkers can be easily found online, as can the script of Final Fantasy VIII. Try to keep the characters acting as themselves. Quistis is an extremely perceptive young woman, and not one who would simply take things as given. Quistis would be extremely suspicious of your character. She's kind, but very realistic in outlook, and not very laid back. Selphie is energetic, but she's not just some hyper thing who just runs around all the time. She's actually very intellegent, just very enthusiastic and bubbly. A few times in the game, it's demonstrated that she's MUCH smarter than first impressions would have you assume.

So to wrap up...
Writing an 'I get sucked into FF8 fic' is a dangerous thing to do in fic land. Unless you go for a very realistic fic in which 'you' are presented realistically, and so would have a lot of difficulty coping in a new enviroment, fighting monsters, trying to make friends and work out how you'll get home, or even wrestling with the issue of whether you WANT to go home, you'll end up with a fic that is essentially your personal fantasy released to the public. There are loads of these fics that are some fangirl's personal 'wish fulfilment' in which she is a beautiful and interesting girl, who Squall falls in love with and who is talented at magic and well liked and stuff, and people rarely want to read them.
You should either try to:
1. Subvert the genre by presenting a realistic account, where everything doesn't go well. Squall still loves Rinoa, you have trouble coping, feel like a burden, get terrified by the violence and death when it's made real rather than in a game and cope as best you can.
2. Avoid this genre like the bubonic plague.
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Sue Makeovers Episode 1: Ghost in the Shell- Inner Universe [Mar. 30th, 2006|08:36 pm]
Mary Sue Makeovers
blueslipstream
Fandom:Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. *pukes*
Culprit Author's Name:Jun-Kei

Full Name (plus titles if any):Mayuka Yukiko Kusanagi
Full Species(es):Puella Angstia Pseudocanonica
Hair Color (include adjectives):
Eye Color (include adjectives):Sapphire blue
Unusual Markings/Colorations:
Special Possessions (if any):A time machine, apparently.

Annoying Origin:Motoko's Sister
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters:
Annoying Special Abilities:275 IQ, Soldier at age 13, Kicks the ass out of Togusa in sharpshooting. Smarter than the Major, reads minds, has l33t h4x0ring skillz that would make the Laughing man Jealous

Other Annoying Traits:An impulsive, rude brat (At least this flaw is actually consequential in this and the other fics in the series. So it keeps her JUST out of Uber Sue rank, but it's still annoying as hell when it is played out as much as it is.). Also, she runs all over the canon and has a wangst streak a mile long.

Mary Sue Rating: 55(Regular Sue)

From: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2648162/4/

Makeover advice:

Makeover for Mayuka Kusanagi (Bitchiwitch/Qanonreip)

*Give her less cuttery and angst

It really serves to annoy a lot of people when the main character is obsessing over events. Discussing, feeling pain about maybe, but not angsting all the way home.

*Don't ret-con canon to suit her needs

This is important. Just because she is uber SPESHUL doesn't mean she has to take centre stage all the time

Lose the sexual abuse and rape thing. Please.

Just do it.

Have her on par with canon characters if you must, but not way the hell above them.

A smarter person than the Major? A better sharpshooter than Togusa? A l33t3r h4x0r than the Laughing Man? I don't buy it.

Don't make her a supersoldier at age 13. Even IF she's a genius.

Japan wouldn't put 13-year-olds in battle. Some African countries would, but not Japan.

Redeeming qualities:

*She got some flaws that really affect her, so she's human at least.
*She isn't as horribly Sued out as some of the Final Fantasy 8 OC's I've seen.
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|08:48 pm]
Mary Sue Makeovers
blueslipstream
Welcome to Mary Sue Makeovers. We take your Sues and Stus, or ones you submit to us, and reveal the upstanding, contributive characters within.

Whether you wrote the Sue or simply found it, feel free to submit its vital information, as well as a sample story, in the form of a comment or an email. And then I can get to work. It's up to you whether to out yourselves or the Suethors in question, or to preserve anonymity. If you DO name names I can contact the author and work WITH her in order to help her on the road to a good, believable, sensible character.
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